New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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