I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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