Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
