FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i wish my penis had a tongue
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
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