she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
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