4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Dual....:-)
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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