So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
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