She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
should my penis look like a turkey
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
