do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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