He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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