I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
