put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
