i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
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i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
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Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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