its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
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