Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
