see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
