You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
