My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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