K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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