Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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