im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
