I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
