Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
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