I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
