I hate your face
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Randomize
