who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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