Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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