i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
