i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
