Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
