I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
It's official drugs can't kill me
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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