I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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