What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
