I am in a vortex of obligation.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
