All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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