so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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