my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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