I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I want a musical about memes.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
