I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Randomize
