Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
