K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
