I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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