i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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