My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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