I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
