last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
