I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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