do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
