textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
