I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
