go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
