My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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