so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
