Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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