Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
