Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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