He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
